But I Don't Wanna!

As I sit here on New Year's Day, I have hanging over my head a 20-page paper that is due for school on the first day of class.  (Those of you who have had any sort of contact with me over the past month have undoubtedly heard me complain about it.)  I'm currently four pages into it, and am suffering from a severe lack of motivation to keep going.  I sit down to work on it, and I think, "I'll just check my email before I get started.  It won't take long."  Then, an hour, a scan of Facebook, and an online Scrabble game later, I'm kicking myself because I realize how much time has been lost.   Even today, I chose to do my prep cooking for tomorrow's family gathering instead of writing.  It seems like I'll find any excuse to keep from sitting down and actually working on it.

Now, here's the crazy thing.  The paper itself isn't that difficult.  I've been preparing for it all semester -- it's basically a reiteration of what I've read throughout the previous four months.  And, as evidenced by the first four pages, when I actually make myself work on it, I make progress rather quickly.  So why, then, can't I keep myself motivated?  Why does the smallest distraction veer me off course for what ends up being hours?  I've done a bit of soul-searching, and I think the answer is two-pronged: lack of self-discipline, and intimidation.

The first, lack of self-discipline, has been a problem for me all my life.  When I don't make myself stick out whatever situation I'm facing, I'll inevitably take the path of least resistance.  Like I said before, I'll take any excuse I can find to get out of doing what I know I need to do.  And as I look at my life, I've begun to realize something important: there will always be an excuse.  Whether I'm working on a paper or hem-hawing about going to the gym on a snowy morning, I can always find the easy way out if I look hard enough.  (And, more often than not, I don't even have to look very hard.)  But I've also come to realize that part of being a mature adult is the capability to ignore all the "easy ways" and discipline myself to face the unpleasant situations in my life with resolve.  As Grandma Bea used to say, "Just put your big girl panties on and deal with it!"

The second, intimidation, is something that takes more than self-empowerment for me to get over.  I begin to entertain thoughts like, "Who am I to think that I can participate in this?  These people are so much better at doing this than I am.  I'll get laughed at if I even try to keep pace with them."  And again, whether it's hacking my way through an impenetrable journal article or taking 100 pounds off the fitness machine's weight stack after a bodybuilder has just used it, it's all too easy for me to think that since I'm not the best at what I'm attempting, I shouldn't even bother.  But as I've thought and prayed about it, I experienced a breakthrough.  I was blessed with the realization that the scholars began as students, and the bodybuilders weren't always able to "press the stack."  The only reason that they're able to do what they do is because they've put forth the sustained effort that was necessary to achieve their goals.  And what's even more important is the fact that I have been created "fearfully and wonderfully" -- or, in the words of one of my old church camp songs, "God made me and God don't make no junk!"  You and I have been given the ability to grow and be strengthened.  If we were automatically good at everything we tried, we'd take it for granted.  So, instead, we've been given the seeds of ability -- and in order to make them blossom, we need to keep them fed and watered.  This paper is an opportunity to do just that.

So, what's your excuse?  What intimidates you?  Is it taking that first step to re-organize your life?  Is it getting back into the habit of exercising?  We all have our own little pocket of personal knowledge that hangs around our necks like the proverbial albatross.  But it's a new year -- we can start fresh and tackle it head-on.  I have a week left to work on the paper... more than enough time, if I stay disciplined and allow God's seeds to take root.  I pray that we'll all be able to push past excuses and experience the fullness of life that comes from doing what we're intended to do.